Mi Sueno

After reading a friends blog I am inspired to share my dreams. Dreaming and achieving that which seems impossible is one of my favorite subjects. Perhaps this is the reason why I am learning counseling, as a way of keeping myself active in the conversation. 

My first and most desired dream is my most challenging. I dream of being fully present in my life. Meeting my waking reality with an open mind and heart in order to encounter life from a fresh perspective. I feel as though I am starting on the path that allows me to experience pure love and joy...such as facing my fears, meditation, sharing with people, helping others, eating well, attempting to take care of myself, trying new things on a regular basis, etc... This is one dream that provides me with a challenging journey full of forgiveness, love, and peace. What could be more rewarding. 

I also dream of having a retreat someday... A place that people can gather to learn about themselves and develop profound relationships. A place of love where the door is always open welcoming everyone. I have been developing my skills for many years in order too create this place. The reality of it feels closer now than it has in a long time...but when and where is still a mystery.  

My life really feels like a dream...I am living my dreams and I am grateful that I can:)

La Respuesta

I have had plenty of time to think of the answer and frankly I have had very little time by myself to even think about being lonely. 

At various times in my life I have felt very, very lonely...for example while I was living in Montana. I found myself struggling with feeling isolated and without a support system while living in a small town were everyone knew everyone's story. Perhaps having "my story" quickly published on stone by the town added to my struggle of feeling really connected because everyone already "knew" who I was. Other events occurred adding to my lonliness which I will not discuss in this entry, but in that particular point in my journey I felt as though I was flying solo. 

The first morning I woke up in Mexico City I felt connected. Even though I could not speak the language and I did not know a single person I knew this place was for me...in that moment. I returned to Montana in March with the goal that I would be in Mexico by August.  I have been gifted in Mexico with great friends whom I dearly love with all my soul. They encourage me to grow as a person.  They have not replaced the people I have left behind but have added to the list of those I cherish. I think my age also has something to do with me not feeling apart from people because I have come to realize on a physical level that we all are struggling in the same battle and like a tug-o-war it is easier to stay out of the mud if you have a little help. It is rare to find an enemy unless you are looking for one and that does not exclude searching for enemies within yourself. So there are many people out there who are willing to help if they are asked. Next time you are feeling lonely or struggling put my theory to the test and ask me...

 

La Pregunta

Anoche salí para comer algo con un amigo. Cerca al final de nuestra noche el me dio tarea  aunque el no es mi profesor pero el estuvo una oportunidad para mi que talvez puedo abrirla una nueva ventana en mi vida para la vista afuera y adentro a mi con mas claridad. Pero creo que la tarea le dí es un poquito mas dificil...puede ser una juego peligroso cuando una estudiante de psicologia es la jugadora. 

La pregunta... ¿Sientas sola en la ciudad? ¿Sientas sola en tu vida ahora y siempre? Explicas...

Me voy a pensar hoy y mañana ya tenderé una respuesta....ojala

Last night I went out to dinner with a friend. Towards the end of the night he gave me homework. Although he is not my professor he gave me an opportunity to perhaps open a new window in my life for a clearer perspective around me and within. But I believe the homework I gave him is a little more difficult...but it can be a dangerous game when playing with a student of psychology. 

The question...Do I have the feeling of being alone in the city? Do I feel alone in my life now and always? Explain. 

I will think about this today and tomorrow will post my response...hopefully

A Stranger

Fue un dia muy extraña. It was a strange day today. 

My new clinic position began at Salvation Army. It is located in a poorer part of the city where many of the people have problems with drugs and such. After my interview I was feeling really excited about volunteering for this organization. Hopefully I can make a difference and learn along the way. I left the office and walked to the metro, taking in the neighborhoods sights and sounds. I did not feel unsafe walking through this area, I only felt a little out of place as every passer by took notice of me which is to be expected because I look different and it could happen to any stranger living in a foreign country. I arrived at the metro and proceeded to descend, where I found a nice place to stand and wait for my train. I saw a man approaching me who looked messed up and confused. He was coming straight for me, weaving in and out of the crowd. I kept a periphery eye on him to see exactly where he was going to land. He stopped about 5 feet away and just stood there staring at me. It was uncomfortable and I felt bad inside because I wanted to turn to him and listen to what he had to say but I was nervous so I ignored him.  As I ignored him it was tearing me up inside. I was thinking that this man is probably ignored or brushed off most of the time. I wanted to acknowledge him but I did not and I felt terrible about my actions. The train came and I moved towards the front, entrance doors of the car thinking that I had moved too fast for him to follow me. What I did not know is that he entered the same passenger car but at the other end. I settled in, wrapped my hand around the metal bar above my head for stability and waited for the train to move ahead. Out of nowhere I heard a man screaming, screaming, screaming at the top of his lungs "hablame guerita, hablame!" which translates to "talk to me white girl, talk to me!".  He did not stop. He continued screaming it over and over again. Due to the fact that I was the only white girl in this particular car everyone knew he was screaming at me. I did not know how to react. Then the man began pushing his way through the crowd towards me as he continued screaming. Just as he was within reaching distance of me the doors to the train opened and I exited. He was right behind me and I turned to him and said "I am sorry but I do not want to talk to you now, and I hope you are ok. Enough!". I turned and walked away feeling guilty. He did not let up and was right behind me as I walked toward my next train. A man that was also on the train watching what had passed gently touched my arm and asked if he could escort me to my transfer. He told me that if his wife or daughter were in the same situation he would hope that someone would assist them. I welcomed the idea. He was very polite and did not ask me any personal questions, in fact he said very little to me. While he waited for me to board my next train he physically and verbally stopped the screaming guy from entering the same train with me. I am very grateful for his kindness. Now it is my turn to return the favor to a stranger...hopefully tomorrow! 

The Miracle Question

The following question, created by de Shazer, is used frequently by Solution Focused therapists. 

Suppose that one night there is a miracle and while you are sleeping the problem that brought you into therapy (or that you are dealing with) is solved: How would you know? What would be different?

What will you notice the next morning that will tell you that there has been a miracle? What will you spouse, friends or family notice?

Many times the solutions that we use to solve a problem only perpetuate the problem.

Dream

I was in the home of my friends located in Utah. It was a beautiful place that sat on the side of a mountain. The back of the home was three levels, each level was floor to ceiling glass windows that allowed the entire view of the west side of the valley to be appreciated. I was with two men and one young girl...I do not remember seeing faces but something about them seemed familiar and I knew we had a strong bond. I was coming down the stairs to the second level moving towards the kitchen. I remember the smell of the food, the brightness of the sunshine coming in through the windows and the feel of the smooth banister under my hand as I descended the stairs. I recall feeling very, very happy. We were having a BBQ and I wanted to go out onto the patio to chat and check progress. Suddenly, I looked towards the Oquirh mountain range and saw a tremendous mushroom cloud rise up behind the mountains and it spread the length of the entire mountain range. I remember saying something like "Oh my god, what's happening".  I recall the many thoughts coming through my mind...meteor shower, war, etc....trying to make sense of what I was witnessing. Following the explosion a wall of water came up over the top of the mountain range like a tidal wave heading straight for us. I remember thinking about the people on the west end of the valley...the ones that were already gone. We ran. I grabbed the girl and we ran. As I ran for the door I recall feeling that it was impossible to outrun this thing, this was it, but I knew because I was still living I needed to keep trying to live and run. So my legs kept moving. I opened the door and looked up at the peaks of the Wasatch mountains and saw another wall of water rolling over the tops of the mountains and ripping apart every living thing along the mountainside. There was nowhere to go. We went back into the house and went to the top floor. We entered a yellow room and sat on the soft carpet. The room was bright and I  turned my back to the window because I wanted to keep my focus on my friends and not the impending doom. I reached out and took their hands and we sat close in a circle. I told each of them how much I loved them and why I was grateful to have them in my life...I also said that I was grateful to be here with them in the end. I remember squeezing their hands so tightly because I was scared. There was not a feeling of regret for things unsaid in my life but I so desperately wanted to live because there was so much that I still wanted to do. The guy on my left was weeping and I held him in my arms and told him I had no idea what was going to happen I did not know if it was going to be ok, but we are here together and I love you. Then the house lifted and we were thrown against the windows which for some reason never broke. We began sliding down the mountain and I knew a big cliff was in our path and that if we made it that far we would plummet over the edge of the cliff. 

Then suddenly I was on the beach standing with all of the survivors of the disaster. I asked someone where this beach had come from and he told me it used to be the west side of the valley and now it is an ocean similar to how it had been so long ago. I looked up and I saw my friends house sliding down the mountain towards us. The house hit the ground and was destroyed I ran towards the home and found my friends all of whom were ok. Then this dream ended and I was in another dream...with a completely different story.

Converse Amongst Yourselves

I had my first visit to the therapist yesterday. The program I am attending requires 50 hours of personal therapy, which I am excited to complete because the more awareness I have will only benefit me as a counselor and because I adore the process!! The school has been struggling to provide bilingual therapists for the students at prices students can afford. There are many therapists that speak english but charge a minimum of 120 cada hora, hijole. Entonces, I finally located a therapist who can understand english but only speaks spanish. Her name is Fortune (great name, no?) practicing in Polanco which is about a 45 min. commute. I thought that it just might work.

On the way to therapy I was sitting in the taxi thinking about what things in my life I wanted to discuss and which language I wanted to discuss them in. I am unsure as to why, but the language that I begin a relationship in is the language that I maintain the relationship in. I have really struggled to transform my english speaking relationships that I have with my bilingual friends into spanish speaking relationships and vis versa. Maybe this phenomena is for the nueroscientists because I do believe that it is all in my head or could it be the normal process of learning another language. Regardless of why it is happening I am more concerned with what is happening and what I can implement to create change.

With this in mind I chose to have my therapy session in spanish.  A choice that made me very nervous because sharing myself intimately I thought would require an advanced, technical understanding of the language.  At one point during the session I mentioned to Fortune that I am very frustrated with myself because I can not speak spanish and regardless of the hours I spend practicing, I may never achieve my goal. She smiled and said that she found it odd that I felt that way because I had been speaking spanish with her for almost an hour...she said if your not speaking spanish now what are you speaking? It seems obvious, but the idea that I was communicating fluidly in spanish while I was complaining about my incapacity to communicate never occurred to me...I was still living in the reality that I am not bilingual. Even now suggesting that I may be bilingual sounds strange to me. I wonder how often I do this in other aspects of my life.

I was reminded of one of my favorite books, The Inner Game of Tennis. The author discusses how each of us have two aspects so to speak.  Self one and two. Self one is the doer and does things really well when left to do the job self one alone knows how to do. Self two is the critic so to speak and evaluates self one but unfortunately for us self two is not the expert and in fact most observations by self two about self one merely cause distraction and sabotage all attempted "projects". The main point of the book is that when beginning tennis players can allow self one to play tennis they advance quickly, vs. playing the game with the false coaching of self two (who actually knows nothing about tennis anyway!). The Zen approach to life, no? 

My experience has been that when I am really sharing myself with others...I could not even tell you what language is being utilized. It is when I feel the self criticism or become conscious of what I am saying that suddenly it is as though everyone is speaking a language I have never heard before and the more frustrated I become the more difficult it is to understand. The part that makes me giggle because it frustrates me is that it is difficult to force self one to do the job alone because the process of even trying to force anything is a product self two...sneaky, eh? I feel that the more I allow the inner critic to exist, basically surrendering to the fight the less the battle pursues.  Have you ever tried to fight with someone who puts up absolutely no resistance...it's difficult. Not trying and just being is challenging for me, but it gives me something not to work on;)  

It was a great session and I feel as though I will have a good, unbiased, intelligent observer every Thursday to aid me in negotiating my way through the many opportunities that are knocking at my door.  

Hellllooo....is anybody out there?

I received a couple of emails from people who have been unable to comment for whatever reason. So today I tried to comment on my own posting and was denied!! Entonces, I am not really sure what is going on...I will go and make an offering to the Blog Gods tonight and maybe the problem will go away. Well at least I know you are visiting and reading! Thanks for all the love.

Da Finer Me

Just a few thoughts on my mind that I wanted to share. I had a conversacion last night and the idea of redefining ones life came up. This morning during my workout this word "redefine" just would not leave my mind. Yesterday I thought that my move to Mexico and the various other changes I have initiated in my life have redefined my character...who I be. While thinking of myself as being redefined this morning I had the feeling of being categorized and stuck. Who am I? A student, an expat, a guera, a woman, a sensitive person? These are the activities or characteristics that I identify with. I think I have found comfort in my definitions in the past because it maintains a sense of security in life, a false certainty that I actually know what tomorrow may provide me. 

Redefining to me means the process of creating a finished definition and I am not ready to stop growing. I am not finished. So maybe the word or idea that works for me is dedefine. Rather than creating more borders of definition in my life, dedefining will allow me a little more room to grow and share myself with others. I do not have the answers for all, but for myself I find my defined borders begin to fade when I connect with others and when I observe in the moment how I react to this connection. I dedefine myself when I allow myself to confront my fears.

I think there is a place for me to belong and identify with ideas, groups, etc... and at the same time shatter the boundaries. For me theses worlds can not exist alone and separate from one another.