ummm...gracias...

Two stories for you

#1

The beauty of therapy is that it provides a space  for everyone in the room to grow and transform including the therapist. On one occasion I received a long thank you for all the changes that had taken place. I thought I was listening but actually I was thinking of ways to intervene and somehow redirect or stop these compliments. So that is what I did, I redirected the compliments and basically ignored all that was shared. I am not sharing this story as a way tooting my horn or patting myself on the back. I think gratitude is a natural part of therapy and I am by no means an expert therapist. I am simply trying my best as a student to figure it all out with the help of every around me.  I discussed with another therapist how the session was for me and how I felt like I blew it. The act of redirecting was really a form of strategizing, a way of trying to guide (or control) the situation so it would play out the way I thought it should. Trying to write my own ending to another person's story. My goal as a therapist is to ask questions or listen with the intention of creating a space for the people to guide themselves, one thing I have learned from my training is that we are the only experts when it comes to discussing our lives. Strategizing does not exactly fit into this goal. During this particular session I also came to realize that I have a really difficult time accepting compliments. This may seem like a trivial discovery and this was not a new, earth shattering revelation for me. This is something I have known for a long time.  I am not sure why but somehow my awareness of my actions in the session touched me on a deeper level and I saw the effect of my actions on the others in the room. This inability to receive was at the root of all my strategizing. The other therapist really noticed how I squirmed and avoided any compliment sent my way. Why is it so difficult for me to say thank you when I receive a compliment? I am not sure knowing why would actually make a difference but observing myself in the act of negating made an impact. When I deny compliments it feels like such an egotistical action. We all need validation, this tells us that we exist. I see a thank you as a way to validate and I think it could be a sweet exchange of words. So simple to say, no...Thank you!

#2

Julie and I went for a run this evening. This run was special for me because it was my first run since my knee injury. Surprisingly, I was full of anxiety while lacing up my shoes. My fear was that the pain would return. I walked for about 30 min. building up the courage to run. Never in my life have I needed to build courage to run so this was an interesting perspective for me. I found the courage and I RAN!! I took it easy, focusing on my gait and trying to keep my mind present on my movements. It was really, really wonderful. The pain did return but different than before, I just reminded myself that this was the first day back on the track and healing takes time.  

Well after running..yeah!..I waited at the meeting spot for Julie. She approached me mouthing the words Pasta Box and immediately I joined her in the craving. A craving of course that only a Rustica, tocina ensalada and veggie pasta can tame. We did not have a watch so I ran to a group a people practicing Karate and asked for the time. 7:40pm!! We had ten minutes to get home and place our order before PB closed. We knew what we had to do...RUN. We hit the streets and sprinted. My moves may have looked chaotic as I darted through the obstacles of moving and parked cars, people and pets but trust me they were calculated. I did not almost trip over a big pot of boiling corn on the sidewalk!! Anyone watching would have agreed that my moves were smooth and evasive like a professional NFL receiver. It did cross my mind to stop and place an order for a cup-o-corn as I flew over the pot, but I needed to stay focused. After sprinting non stop for 6 minutes, my lungs burned and I think Julie's diaphragm cramped, everything was happening so fast, the details blurred together. All we could do to keep our speed and determination was yell Rustica. This was our mantra, our motivation home and we were not giving up. The excitement ended after a ten minute sprint and climbing a long flight of stairs. Not to worry this story does have a happy ending because now I am sitting here writing this post with a belly full of Pasta Box! Thanks Mars it was worth the pain. 

A love story

I saw the new X-Files movie with Marlies tonight. We had our complaints about the movie but I still loved the story. I must admit in another lifetime, the lifetime when I actually owned a television, I was an X-file junkie so, my heart smiled when I heard the theme music and saw old familiar faces on the big screen. It sort of felt like a surreal reunion. The movie was more than just a nostalgic trip, it was the perfect love story. Scully and Mulder (who are still an item!!) join together to demonstrate an amazing union of two people that allow freedom.  A relationship without compromise that allows the other to chase the desires of the heart. Like any relationship moments of misunderstanding arose but in the end love pulled through and they found a way to say, I can not accompany you now but I support you not giving up because that would be turning away from what instinctually guides you and to deny that would be denying love. OK so I have added my own twisted interpretation to the meaning of the movie and maybe it is a little sappy. Sometimes life needs a little more sap. It is ironic that on the way to the movie Mars and I discussed the struggles and benefits of being in romantic relationships and how the words compromise and committed relationship are always mistaken for synonyms. I remember thinking that at this point in my life I would rather stay single than give up my joy by compromising who I am so that I can fit into the idea of a relationship. Which could be a good clue as to why I am still single.  

After leaving the theatre I was inspired! I do believe in my heart that it is possible to love and be loved with healthy boundaries while being in a relationship, without compromise. I am unsure if my beliefs put me in the minority.  Maybe I am an idealist rather than a realist but I like the ideas that come from this point of view. I know it was just a film, but what I see whether it be a hollywood fabrication or the action on the street inspires my imagination. It is from the imagination that I create my reality, from the things that inspire me. Who knew I would be so inspired by an xtra long episode of the x-files! Thanks Spotnitz and Carter, you make me want to Believe!

River Tepito

I was in session when I heard a knock at the door. It was Major Hood, the woman who runs the clinic. She informed us that it was hailing afuera and we should take a look. Hail storms happen once a year in the city, usually at the beginning of the rainy season. We ran to the window and sure enough the streets were quickly filling with water. We were unable to leave the building due to the river that was raging past the front door. I looked for a rubber raft in the storage closet but found nothing. Lidu and I waited for 30 min. but my hunger overtook my left brain (logic) and I prepared to exit the building regardless of what was happening outside.

Lidu and I tyed plastic bags around our feet and left the building. We were greeted by shin deep water, full of sewage...I even saw a partly intact piece of dog poo float by. GRosS!! At this point we needed to continue towards the metro...oh and my bag leaked and one of my shoes was soaked. GRosS!!

We made it to the metro and entered the train. Halfway to the next stop the train car suddenly stopped. We waited for 30 min. without movement and unable to exit. Finally the trained moved but in the wrong direction. Yes, we were moving backwards! We came full circle and landed on the same platform where our journey had begun. No problemo!..we ran to another platform to try and catch another train that would require more connections but we were hungry and distance was not important. This was our only option.

We made it to our first connection and exited. As we turned the corner in one of the many metro tunnels we were greeting by hundreds of people all carrying statues of Saint Judas!! Some of these statues were equal in size to a 3 year old child. It was such a surreal experience and I felt as though I was walking in a dream with an army of identical Saints marching towards me. The fact that I was soaking wet (did I mention I had no umbrella) kept me aware that the events were actually happening. Lidu and I charged foward locked arm in arm so we would not get seperated. Hijole!!

Next train was even more exciting. The line waiting to enter was 6 deep. We squeezed into the crowd as the train arrived. Still locked arm in arm Lidu and I were pulled by the crowd onto the train. When this happens it feels as though some large magnetic force is moving your body without consent. Regardless of what you say, physically do or wish for you end up where the crowd places you. As we were being pushed onto the train the doors on the other side of the train suddenly opened. This is a rare occurrence, in fact I have never seen this happen before because these doors open to the tracks below. The crowd continued to push and we continued to be moved until suddenly we were being pushed out the other side. I had no intention of falling out of that train to the track below, especially on the day of Saint Judas. Standing on the edge of the open doorway I fought the kinectic energy of the crowd by holding onto a bar with one hand and Lidu with the other. Lidu and I could not believe how close we were to the edge and it seemed impossible to fight the force of the crowd. Everyone wanted on this train. Alas we survived and maintained our position on the train with Saint Judas. 

After the long metro ride(s!) we ended up getting slightly lost in the city, finally taking a taxi to the home of a friend.

I used my trusty cell phone to call Marlies and ordered up some Pasta Box, which was waiting for us when we arrived. This is not the first time Pasta Box has saved my life and most likely is not the last.

Lidu and I really had a great time that evening trying to find our way home. We found humour in most of our events and laughed with others on the metro because of the craziness that was all around. It is strange how normally metro rides are such silent experiences, no noise except for the rumbling of the train and people selling random items in the aisles. This day of locura brought people together in more ways than one. Like the guy from whom we solicited a little help. We did not know if we could make it out of the metro car at one of the stops because we were packed in like sardines. So he agreed to help push us out when the doors opened, others joined in until we popped out the other side like greased pigs. Days like this make me grateful for the days that are a little less eventful but they also make me love the people I encounter and this city even more.